Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

Boundaries.

What are boundaries? I used to ask myself all the time, and then laugh hysterically because I knew I had none, and a lack of boundaries is what was making my life so hard.

My boyfriend and I, well, no. Let me rephrase that.

My ex-boyfriend decided he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me.

He said “this is as far as it will go” and that’s not good enough for me.

We are going to have to live through the hell of sharing a space until both of us can afford to live on our own, and even though it’s only been a week, it is awkward and hard and I am trying to write the shit out of my life to make enough money to stand on my own two feet.

We have broken up and gotten back together so many times before, I actually lost count.

Over a dozen times, at any rate.

I have said goodbye and mourned this relationship enough times in the past that I don’t even feel moved by it right now, I just feel disappointed and sad.

But this time, I am sticking to the boundary I told myself I stick to every other time we broke up: that we’d stay broken up.

I can’t let him weasel his way back into my heart or bed. I can’t let myself feel sorry enough for him to offer to sleep in my bedroom and not on the couch. I can’t let him touch me, I can’t let him hug.

I have to just maintain the boundary of: we’re broken up.

We’re done, it’s over, I am ready to move on.

It won’t be easy, I know that. We were together (on and off) for over six years, and that’s kind of a long time.

I am not used to being alone or not having a person to talk to all the time, and that has been the hardest thing, really – all the times I’ve wanted to pick up my phone and text him about something going on in my day, and then I realize I can’t.

I mean, I could talk to him if I wanted to, but I have to maintain the boundary also of “we’re not going to be friends” because I can’t be friends with exes, it’s too hard for me.

Why punish myself by sticking around people I used to be in love with when they’re not in love with me anymore?

The argument he and many others would give me is that friendship is its own kind of love, and I know that, but that’s not the kind of love I want from him, and now that I’ve loved him and lost him, I just want to be able to move on in peace.

I hope I have something nicer to say about this situation soon, but it is what it is!

Hi, I’m poor. If you have any spare change I’d love a “cup of coffee“!