i’ll never stop missing you

CheneyLeave a comment

I didn’t want
to wake up today

It’s not that
I wanted to die, but
I just wish I could
skip this day
every year 

I’ll fight every hour
many times over
to stop myself
from imagining
one of the worst
things imaginable 

My grandfather
who I loved more
than I will love
any other man
in my whole life

Died alone
in a hospital
in 2020 when
no one was allowed
to be with him

How could
the greatest man
who ever lived
have such a sad
undignified death?

I hope he knew
how much I loved him
how much I’ll always love him
how I’ll compare
every man I meet
to see if they even
come close
to meeting
the standard he set

I would give
years of my life
for just one more
day with him
for one more
bear hug that
almost hurts
for hearing him
call me
sweetheart
one more time

It would be worth it
to feel that loved
by someone again

Inspired by the Writer’s Write October prompts | Photo by Wedding Dreamz

This is my internet home so I’ll rant and preach when I want to:

GET VACCINATED

My grandfather died of COVID-19 before we had the privilege of a vaccine.

Believe in science, believe in doctors who went to medical school, and get yourself to believe that getting vaccinated is the right thing to do.

liar

CheneyLeave a comment

this morning
when I woke up alone again
for the sixth saturday in a row

I wanted so much
to reach out and call you

I felt the gaping
hole in my heart
that you used to fill
and it felt so hollow,
and cold, and broken

but I want
the man you used to be
or at least
the man I thought you used to be
before I found out how often and
how easily you lie

i wanted to
give you another chance
but then I remembered
you lie to me
you hurt me

and every time
you say you’ll change and
you won’t hurt me anymore
that’s a lie, too
that’s the only thing
that’s proved to be true

how the hell
do you think
I can ever trust you?

Inspired by the Writer’s Write October prompts | Photo by Annie Spratt

self-pity serenade

CheneyLeave a comment

This is not the club
I ever wanted to belong to.

I have nothing against
childless cat ladies; sometimes
I think they’re the lucky ones
if all they have to be
responsible for in life
is their feline friends.

I never wanted to be
in the single mom club
or the forever a fat girl club
or “the ones with serious daddy issues” club.

I didn’t sign up to be 
stuck living this life 
so afraid I’ll die
from the loneliness,
from the acute and
stinging lack of companionship.

Precious few humans
will be able to die saying
they got all they want in life
and I know I won’t
be one of them, but

Poor choices shouldn’t
punish me forever.
I don’t need everything,
I just need someone’s
hand to hold – a hand
that wants to hold mine.

We never know what
we’re going to get and
we often do or don’t
get what we deserve, 
but oh, I have to keep hope.

I want a love that
doesn’t scare me and
a lover who won’t hurt me
and it’s brutal to know
with such deep certainty
how hard those two things are
to find in one person. 

Why can’t I be
in the club of people
who get the chance
to have that? 

Inspired by the Writer’s Write October prompts | Photo by cottonbro studio


when you said you want this

CheneyLeave a comment

I wore my black
black wrap dress
new bra and a lace thong

I had my hair washed,
smelled good, ready
for the main show

met you outside
couldn’t wait
the only place
we’ve ever met
is parking lots

and now
I have you on the couch
and take your hand,

it’s on my breast,
I lean in to kiss

in my head
i hear the bang and
see the flash of
fireworks, magic,
it’s magic when
you kiss someone you love

so I’ll sit on your lap
and kiss you ’til
we can’t breathe
and when I’m feeling wet
I’ll take your hand to lead

we’re in the bedroom,
first time, clothes off
laying skin to skin
I look in your blue eyes
you smile, make me
want another kiss

but you didn’t want to do this…

Inspired by the Writer’s Write October prompts | Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

a month later

CheneyLeave a comment

When you wake up
in the morning, do you
jump right out of bed
now that you don’t
feel obligated to stay
a few minutes
just to hold me?

When you hop
down the stairs
and get your first
hot little cup of coffee,
are you still humming and
singing your morning song?

Do you keep yourself busy,
are you still always pacing
around in circles, especially
now that you’re in a home
you can walk circles around?

Have you spent much
time at home
since you left here?

Do you sleep under
your old roof with your
old wife and young girls
who never made you feel
as loved as I did?

Have you literally
already bled for them,
down on your hands and knees
hammering together
whatever parts
you can salvage
so you can say 
this is worth it

?

Do you wish you
had been better to me
so that I could have
given us the chance
I thought we both deserved?

Do you wish you
had put more faith in me,
that if you just told the truth
about the things that really mattered
we might have had a chance?

What do you regret the most?
Posting that photo on Twitter?
Answering me when I messaged you?
That first time you told me you loved me?
That first time we met and held hands and kissed?
That first time we laid down together and made love?

Or is it simply that being with me
meant you couldn’t be with them –
and that was too much
for you to sacrifice?

If I never hear from you again
I’ll certainly believe the latter,
but no matter when
it won’t matter.

I wonder what
our life could have
looked like if we
had been smarter,
but then, if we were smarter,
we wouldn’t be here
would we?

My heart is broken
and I will be filled
with guilt and regret
for as long as I live.

You shattered me.

But I robbed you
of your entire life.

I need you to forgive me
but I don’t think I can be forgiven.

Inspired by the Writer’s Write October prompts | Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels