you had me cornered, too shocked to 
react to the words you were saying, 
too scared to make them real

the same old story told so many times
it doesn’t even hurt much anymore, 
it’s just jarring, it’s just one more piece
in the fresh hell of my life that I don’t
need to deal with right now

when you’re told you’re not breaking
but broken, when you’re asked with
genuine concern “Are you okay?”
this is the time to say it:

of course i’m not fucking okay,
no one is okay,
nothing is okay

I don’t want … Read the rest

In this relationship I have to be flexible,
I need to always be ready to bend if necessary,
and to make myself small and quiet 
whenever I am asked. 

One of the prices I pay for this relationship 
is silence, my silence, my starvation for
affection and validation, and any 
conceivable hope for the future. 

Those I must pay for
one way or another. 
One day, or not.

In this relationship I have to be ready for 
cliff diving, train jumping, backflips, I
need to be prepared for the quick exits,
I always need to be ready to run. 

I … Read the rest

Sunday morning. This was once my favorite time of week, the lazy Sunday morning that would unfold into whatever we desired. It was the magic morning, it was the morning I could almost count on rolling into your arms and then you rolling on top of me. But now? Forget about it. 

I thought you were my kindred spirit. I thought you were my moon and stars. I 
thought you meant it when you said you’d always love me and never leave me,
but that was so stupid of me to believe. I thought you were my skin twin, I … Read the rest

I thought we were okay.

I was running on autopilot,
that I can admit,
but I know I was here,
present, conscious, 
I know I felt loved even if
I felt it a little bit less. 

I told myself “Sometimes,
it can’t always be 50/50,
sometimes one person needs
to offer the other more when 
their well is running dry.”

So I offered you more. 
I offered to give up my peace 
so that you could have yours
for a while, and apparently,
that wasn’t enough. 

You caught me last night,
deer-in-headlights I sat and
listened to all the things… Read the rest

If I asked you what you see in your future I’m sure
I’d only be met with silence. 
Not because you don’t know where we’re going, 
but because you know we won’t like it.

We’re not walking into any future we imagined,
together nor apart, in every way that’s meant. 
Now it seems more like a slide into complicity,
acceptance, and “you get what you get,
and you don’t get upset” like we’re children
who never learned to play by the rules. 

I suffer through sighs and the sad empty gazes.
You suffer metaphorical but actual pain in your heart,… Read the rest