You tell me what you want for dinner and I feel nothing but relief. Thank God I don’t have to make that decision again today. The heavy weight of adulthood is a deathly oppression. There’s a chance of heavy storms in the forecast, and one can only be pushed so far, little dove, before they’ll fall from the sky.

I have no illusions of forever. My forever should have started twenty years ago, instead it ended right when it was picking up speed. I’ve learned since that all I am is someone’s missing piece. I’m what they use to fill … Read the rest

I don’t want a big life, 
but I don’t want a 
small life either. 
I want a calm, happy, 
fulfilled life, 
which is one I 
doubt I’ll ever have.

Can you believe it
when I tell you I
want my parent’s life?
That I want their 
quiet, steadfast love,
their iron belief 
in each other?

I spent so many
years trying to
run from them 
telling myself this
is the worst
that can happen to me
and I was so wrong.

It would be the best thing
to go to bed and never
wonder whether 
the one you love 
wants … Read the rest

this is a small life, very small,
miniature if you want more, which
is also less, and the thing is
you can’t complain

the thing is
all of this was a gift
that you didn’t ask for but
have to appreciate, or so
“they” say; you have to make 
the most out of every precious moment

but i feel like a wallflower 
in my own fucking life, like
i’m watching from the sidelines
as i make mistake after mistake
as i make my life harder and worse
i want to jump in and grab myself
around the neck and squeeze … Read the rest

you had me cornered, too shocked to 
react to the words you were saying, 
too scared to make them real

the same old story told so many times
it doesn’t even hurt much anymore, 
it’s just jarring, it’s just one more piece
in the fresh hell of my life that I don’t
need to deal with right now

when you’re told you’re not breaking
but broken, when you’re asked with
genuine concern “Are you okay?”
this is the time to say it:

of course i’m not fucking okay,
no one is okay,
nothing is okay

I don’t want … Read the rest

In this relationship I have to be flexible,
I need to always be ready to bend if necessary,
and to make myself small and quiet 
whenever I am asked. 

One of the prices I pay for this relationship 
is silence, my silence, my starvation for
affection and validation, and any 
conceivable hope for the future. 

Those I must pay for
one way or another. 
One day, or not.

In this relationship I have to be ready for 
cliff diving, train jumping, backflips, I
need to be prepared for the quick exits,
I always need to be ready to run. 

I … Read the rest