It’s been twenty-five years since you’ve stood with your friends singing Hallelujah on a stage, feeling the vibration of a hundred voices lifting from the platform to the sky. It’s been twenty years since you listened to that same song on the way to your friend’s funeral. He’d shot himself to death at work. What a life. Now you can’t listen to that song without crying and you will always wonder how you couldn’t have seen it coming, and why no one ever usually sees it coming. There should be a prescription everyone gets at birth, an RX for love … Read the rest
don’t test me
it wasn’t the argument that ended things for you,
the one you held on to and wrote about, the one
you felt was so demeaning and mean —
it was a simple question — and you wanted to give a
simple, honest answer
that’s it
that’s all
you didn’t know what would happen
you didn’t even know what you wanted
to happen, but you lit the fuse that
would eventually blast you
to smithereens
boom
poof
and all these years later we are both
asking what the hell were you thinking
to do things like that, to do everything
the … Read the rest
It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.
– C. S. Lewis
this small life
this is a small life, very small,
miniature if you want more, which
is also less, and the thing is
you can’t complain
the thing is
all of this was a gift
that you didn’t ask for but
have to appreciate, or so
“they” say; you have to make
the most out of every precious moment
but i feel like a wallflower
in my own fucking life, like
i’m watching from the sidelines
as i make mistake after mistake
as i make my life harder and worse
i want to jump in and grab myself
around the neck and squeeze … Read the rest
saltwater
you had me cornered, too shocked to
react to the words you were saying,
too scared to make them real
the same old story told so many times
it doesn’t even hurt much anymore,
it’s just jarring, it’s just one more piece
in the fresh hell of my life that I don’t
need to deal with right now
when you’re told you’re not breaking
but broken, when you’re asked with
genuine concern “Are you okay?”
this is the time to say it:
of course i’m not fucking okay,
no one is okay,
nothing is okay
I don’t want … Read the rest
the only thing I want
In this relationship I have to be flexible,
I need to always be ready to bend if necessary,
and to make myself small and quiet
whenever I am asked.
One of the prices I pay for this relationship
is silence, my silence, my starvation for
affection and validation, and any
conceivable hope for the future.
Those I must pay for
one way or another.
One day, or not.
In this relationship I have to be ready for
cliff diving, train jumping, backflips, I
need to be prepared for the quick exits,
I always need to be ready to run.
I … Read the rest
I’m not a good poet
In approximately eight and a half months I am going to be going on a six day, five night writing “retreat” all alone, and this will be the first time in my life I’ve had the opportunity to do anything like this.
My favorite living writer has a tiny house / AirB&B on per property that she is offering to writers and artists as a place to visit, relax, and I suppose most importantly of all, to create, and to create in solitude.
I love being alone.
I love being with friends and family, too, but I am definitely … Read the rest
forget about it
Sunday morning. This was once my favorite time of week, the lazy Sunday morning that would unfold into whatever we desired. It was the magic morning, it was the morning I could almost count on rolling into your arms and then you rolling on top of me. But now? Forget about it.
I thought you were my kindred spirit. I thought you were my moon and stars. I
thought you meant it when you said you’d always love me and never leave me,
but that was so stupid of me to believe. I thought you were my skin twin, I … Read the rest
no one’s second best
I thought we were okay.
I was running on autopilot,
that I can admit,
but I know I was here,
present, conscious,
I know I felt loved even if
I felt it a little bit less.
I told myself “Sometimes,
it can’t always be 50/50,
sometimes one person needs
to offer the other more when
their well is running dry.”
So I offered you more.
I offered to give up my peace
so that you could have yours
for a while, and apparently,
that wasn’t enough.
You caught me last night,
deer-in-headlights I sat and
listened to all the things… Read the rest