right now there’s ringing in my ears, and besides that the drip of
the cat’s water fountain and the hum, perhaps, of a water heater,
and i want none of those sounds, i want silence unless it’s something
i’ve been wanting to hear.

i want to travel to florida and see my friend Todd, i want to hear the
dull roar of a plane cruising at altitude, i want him to hear his eggs
crackling over easy, spitting and popping butter, before the whoooosh
of him pouring my scrambled ones into the pan. And the drip of his
coffee pot, … Read the rest

here you are. you had one foot over the fence and now here you are. 
no more of that painful limbo, no more wondering “what will happen
that will make him leave again?” even if you are the one to facilitate the leaving.
set it and forget it, you tell yourself. you get what you get and you 
don’t get upset. if you start to stray into thoughts that cause you fear,
remember the times you were comforted, and remember the things that count.

tell yourself you don’t need anymore manifestation or magical thinking, 
you just need to be the … Read the rest

no matter what it looks like when things finally 
get shook up and then settle down, I will be here by your side.
I will be the one who keeps loving you and loving you
and showing you love, and no one can possibly say we
deserve anything worse than this, or anything more than this.
there are plenty of people in this world I could have met and made a 
makeshift life with, I would have laughed and smiled at their jokes 
the way I smile at you and laugh at yours, you ridiculous little boy. 
so no matter … Read the rest

Two years ago, right around now, I was supposed to be going to Maine for a writer’s retreat led by my favorite living poet.

That didn’t end up happening because I didn’t find a job by then and I was rapidly running out of money. I had to take the refund when I had the chance and save all the money I would have spent on hotels and gas and food for the few days I would be there.

To say I was devastated would be putting it lightly, because this is also just after I would have been seeing … Read the rest