When are you most happy?

A month ago I would have told you I was most happy cuddled in bed with my boyfriend, no clothes, skin on skin, arms and legs wrapped around each other and as close as we could physically be.

But we are done with our relationship now.

I am done with it. I don’t care whether he wants to “keep working on things”.

I don’t want to keep working on things, and that’s a good enough reason to let go and let it be over.

Is my heart broken? Yeah. I woke up this morning alone in bed (he’s still here, and will be indefinitely because we can’t afford to live alone) and I just immediately started crying because I pictured what mornings were like a month ago, two months ago, the way they’ve been for years… I used to wake up in the morning excited because the mornings meant cuddle time, the mornings meant him waking up and welcoming me into his open arms, and it kills me that I am never going to have that again.

That is what made me the happiest, but that’s gone and over now.

Where do I find my happy now?

We haven’t been in this situationship very long, but it very much feels like that.

It’s not a relationship, it’s not a friendship, and it’s more awkward than a roommate situation, so it becomes now this situationship in which the only reason we’re still living together is because neither of us can afford to live alone.

I also have Elise to think about. She can be in her vocational program here for two more years, but I have to stay here, I can’t move out. He has to be the one to move out. But I need to essentially double my income before I can live comfortably (without fear) without him.

I’m in a tight spot, it feels god awful, and I so wish this weren’t my life right now. I am having a really hard time, and I am not sure how to deal.

We are going to try to fake our way through Christmas, at least get through that without making my family feel awkward. Our drama has ruined enough holidays for my family. After that, who knows?

I refuse to share a bedroom with Elise again.

I am voting for bunk beds until he moves out, and I know this sounds insane but this is my fucking life, and it’s ridiculous and awful, and I can’t believe it, but it’s still true.

I do have this wonderful cat Piper, and she helps immensely.

There she is doing one of the cutest things, washing her head.

She is where I find the most happiness and comfort lately, and I am so lucky that I seem to be her favorite person in the house because she always chooses to sleep on or next to me. I joke that she is obsessed with me but I think she really is, and I love it.

I need to go be productive now which actually means going to read the last 150 pages of East of Eden tonight before book club tomorrow. But if the pic wasn’t enough, here’s the video: