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I want peace

I just want everything in life to be going okay right now, and all the time, is really what I want.

I feel like lately things have been better in my relationship and at work, and I am enjoying having a new therapist and new goals. I’ve been walking, intentionally on a treadmill. I’ve been NOT eating too much. I’ve been eating grapes by the handful cause they are so fucking delicious.

I started writing something last night, a new fiction story that I haven’t ever tried before, this is the very beginning of it, and it makes me excited, … Read the rest

our parents were lucky

Getting older, and watching my parents and grandparents age, is incredibly hard.

I’ve always been very aware of my age and the passing of time.

These days it feels like time is flying by so much faster than I want it to; I want it to slow down. I want to be able to appreciate and savor more of the good things before having to move on to the next.

Day after day, most things stay the same.

Wake up, work, dinner, whatever, sleep. Repeat four times until Saturday. Rest.

I worry every day about getting bills paid and not … Read the rest

eat the rich

I hate authority.

I absolutely hate it.

The fact that I have a boss is one of the worst things in my entire life.

It doesn’t even matter who the boss is.

The boss I have now has her Jekyll and Hyde moments… or hours, or days… But overall, she’s a nice, pleasant, funny woman.

I often think that if we had met each other when we were children she would have been a friend I would have kept forever.

However, when she talks to me in a tone and looks at me like she believes I’m stupid, I forget … Read the rest

i want to go home

About a year and a half ago my parents sold the house that I grew up in.

It wasn’t just the house that I grew up in.

It’s the house where my sister, and then many years later, my daughter, were brought home to sleep in a crib within walls that had already seen the beginnings of two other women in my family.

The house was in my family for four generations, although at one point, there was a fifth.

My childhood was spent in that little (kind of too little) Cape on a hill. I lived with my great-grandmother, … Read the rest

you can’t win if you don’t play

I’m not a lucky kind of person.

When I was younger, I used to go to Foxwoods to play BINGO quite often.

I loved the whole experience of it – waiting in line to get my cards, then going over to the two-dollar dobber store and picking out which color I wanted (usually pink or green), and then finding a place to sit in the massive room that had a haze of cigarette smoke hanging above everyone’s head.

My friend(s) and I would set up somewhere and then look around and make fun of all the people who brought entire … Read the rest

nothing is forever, not even close

“All I’ve ever wanted is to be a writer” is a sentence I’m sure I and many other writers have uttered throughout life, and it’s true but also not true.

There was a time in childhood when I watched the movie SpaceCamp over and over and over again and then was taken to the Smithsonian’s Air and Space Museum in Washington, D.C. where I doubled down on my dream.

I took home posters of the Milky Way and a Space Shuttle pointing at the sky, its bottom engulfed in the flames from the rockets about to take them away.

I Read the rest

am I in this for the long haul?

I have been feeling awful lately.

Since I had COVID-19 for the third time in December of 2022, my body has not been the same.

I have a running list of symptoms that I’ve been dealing with since then:

  • Fatigue
  • Brain Fog
  • Joint Pain (worse than usual)
  • Hot flashes
  • Heat intolerance
  • Constant dry mouth
  • Sleep Apnea
  • Hyperparathyroidism
  • Iron Deficiency Anemia
  • B-12 deficiency
  • Neuropathy
  • Depression (worse than usual)
  • Anxiety (worse than usual)
  • Forgetfulness/memory issues
  • High blood pressure
  • Tachycardia
  • swelling in the feet and ankles
  • and did I mention the oppressive, crushing, painful, and relentless fatigue?

I just had a nuclear stress … Read the rest

The best thing I’ve ever found

WordPress asks today:

The most important invention in your lifetime is…

and a shrill voice in my mind screams:

“Modern indoor plumbing!”

but then I considered, well, that wasn’t invented in my lifetime.

I am lucky enough to have been able to enjoy cleaning my butt with toilet paper and flushing it away my whole life, so that doesn’t count.

Well, the next answer was obvious to me:

The Internet.

I have a horrible memory.

I don’t remember core moments of my life like a normal person does.

I don’t remember the first time I ever got my period, I … Read the rest

any day with you, babe

When I was younger, there is no doubt that my most ideal day, beginning to end, would be one spent in New York City.

I might even want to spend that day there alone, because I did that once, I went for three days and two nights alone, and it was the best trip to the city I can remember.

I took the train, a little over two hours from New Haven to Grand Central, and I sat writing in my journal and listening to music.

But the people around me didn’t know that part of that time I wasn’t … Read the rest