I have been feeling awful lately.

Since I had COVID-19 for the third time in December of 2022, my body has not been the same.

I have a running list of symptoms that I’ve been dealing with since then:

  • Fatigue
  • Brain Fog
  • Joint Pain (worse than usual)
  • Hot flashes
  • Heat intolerance
  • Constant dry mouth
  • Sleep Apnea
  • Hyperparathyroidism
  • Iron Deficiency Anemia
  • B-12 deficiency
  • Neuropathy
  • Depression (worse than usual)
  • Anxiety (worse than usual)
  • Forgetfulness/memory issues
  • High blood pressure
  • Tachycardia
  • swelling in the feet and ankles
  • and did I mention the oppressive, crushing, painful, and relentless fatigue?

I just had a nuclear stress test, which was supposed to be the last test my primary care doctor was putting me through before she said she would officially diagnose me with Long COVID so I can at least be treated for the symptoms, and join Yale’s Long COVID Program.

Of course, the stress test came back abnormal, and now I have to get some kind of cardiac CT scan because it looks like I have some “artifact” there, but it could also be a false-positive.

Nothing about this has been easy.

I realized last night that I have six doctor’s appointments between now and the end of March, and some of them are going to require me asking to leave work early or arrive late, which increases my anxiety to a near-panic level.

But, what do they want from me?

To get sicker?

I feel so ashamed at times because I feel like people don’t believe me when I tell them how awful I am feeling and in how many different ways.

I feel like people think I’m faking being sick when the exact opposite is true.

When I go to work, I give them my very best.

I haven’t been pretending to be sick, I’ve been fighting for my life to make people think I’m feeling okay and I feel like the mask is slipping and I’m scared of it falling away.

Just last night I said to Bobby:

“I need a reboot. I wish I had a button somewhere that I could press so I could just turn off and back on again and everything would be better.”

Yes, I need a reboot.

But damn, I need a break.

I need a break from life – from nearly all aspects of life.

I love my job, but after working there for thirteen months, I realize now that no matter how much I love the work I do and the people I work with and interact with each day, I still hate having a boss.

I absolutely hate the thought that my life and livelihood lay in the hands of someone else’s moods or whims – but that’s exactly what it’s like having a boss.

I don’t have any savings, and I don’t make enough money to afford to save anything.

I live paycheck to paycheck, and the underlying stress of that probably isn’t good for my health either.

So, if I suddenly lose my job, I might lose my home, too, and I don’t have anywhere else to go.

I’m not sure how I would recover from that, and it scares the living shit out of me.

Anyway, I realized last night shortly after my reboot comment that this is just how it’s going to be now.

This is how my life is going to go and what it’s going to look like for the foreseeable future.

I have to drag myself out of bed at 5:30 in the morning to arrive alert to work by 8:30, and then I drag my feet and failing brain through the day until I can come home, take off my bra, and try to squeeze a little bit of happiness out of the few hours I have left in the day to do what I want to do – after the things I need to do – but that’s becoming less true.

I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life.

I don’t think I can do this for the rest of my life.

So I need a break from this life.

I need a reset.

I need a vacation, but the thing about that is I can’t afford to take a vacation, and I can’t afford to take the time off work to do it right now, either.

I don’t mind working, but seven years of self-sufficiency has really ruined “having a job” for me.

Last night, I decided to start writing something new, something meant to be long and maybe even the first part in a series.

I started writing a new book.

I wish I could have a break to focus on that more, too, but either way, I’m so excited about it.

Daily writing prompt
Do you need a break? From what?
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