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self-pity serenade

October 12, 2024 / Cheney / 0 Comments

This is not the club
I ever wanted to belong to.

I have nothing against
childless cat ladies; sometimes
I think they’re the lucky ones
if all they have to be
responsible for in life
is their feline friends.

I never wanted to be
in the single mom club
or the forever a fat girl club
or “the ones with serious daddy issues” club.

I didn’t sign up to be
stuck living this life
so afraid I’ll die
from the loneliness,
from the acute and
stinging lack of companionship.

Precious few humans
will be able to die saying
they got all they want in life
and I know I won’t
be one of them, but

Poor choices shouldn’t
punish me forever.
I don’t need everything,
I just need someone’s
hand to hold – a hand
that wants to hold mine.

We never know what
we’re going to get and
we often do or don’t
get what we deserve,
but oh, I have to keep hope.

I want a love that
doesn’t scare me and
a lover who won’t hurt me
and it’s brutal to know
with such deep certainty
how hard those two things are
to find in one person.

Why can’t I be
in the club of people
who get the chance
to have that?

Inspired by the Writer’s Write October prompts | Photo by cottonbro studio

when you said you want this

October 11, 2024 / Cheney / 0 Comments

I wore my black
black wrap dress
new bra and a lace thong

I had my hair washed,
smelled good, ready
for the main show

met you outside
couldn’t wait
the only place
we’ve ever met
is parking lots

and now
I have you on the couch
and take your hand,

it’s on my breast,
I lean in to kiss

in my head
i hear the bang and
see the flash of
fireworks, magic,
it’s magic when
you kiss someone you love

so I’ll sit on your lap
and kiss you ’til
we can’t breathe
and when I’m feeling wet
I’ll take your hand to lead

we’re in the bedroom,
first time, clothes off
laying skin to skin
I look in your blue eyes
you smile, make me
want another kiss

but you didn’t want to do this…

Inspired by the Writer’s Write October prompts | Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

Woman laying on the ground looking sad as she stares at a ring on the floor.

a month later

October 10, 2024 / Cheney / 0 Comments

When you wake up
in the morning, do you
jump right out of bed
now that you don’t
feel obligated to stay
a few minutes
just to hold me?

When you hop
down the stairs
and get your first
hot little cup of coffee,
are you still humming and
singing your morning song?

Do you keep yourself busy,
are you still always pacing
around in circles, especially
now that you’re in a home
you can walk circles around?

Have you spent much
time at home
since you left here?

Do you sleep under
your old roof with your
old wife and young girls
who never made you feel
as loved as I did?

Have you literally
already bled for them,
down on your hands and knees
hammering together
whatever parts
you can salvage
so you can say
this is worth it

?

Do you wish you
had been better to me
so that I could have
given us the chance
I thought we both deserved?

Do you wish you
had put more faith in me,
that if you just told the truth
about the things that really mattered
we might have had a chance?

What do you regret the most?
Posting that photo on Twitter?
Answering me when I messaged you?
That first time you told me you loved me?
That first time we met and held hands and kissed?
That first time we laid down together and made love?

Or is it simply that being with me
meant you couldn’t be with them –
and that was too much
for you to sacrifice?

If I never hear from you again
I’ll certainly believe the latter,
but no matter when
it won’t matter.

I wonder what
our life could have
looked like if we
had been smarter,
but then, if we were smarter,
we wouldn’t be here
would we?

My heart is broken
and I will be filled
with guilt and regret
for as long as I live.

You shattered me.

But I robbed you
of your entire life.

I need you to forgive me
but I don’t think I can be forgiven.

Inspired by the Writer’s Write October prompts | Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels

get your guard up

October 9, 2024 / Cheney / 0 Comments

not now, but soon,
I’m going to want to
go looking for my
next ~~victim~~ love

not yet, but soon
I’ll start caring
about how I look
again, even though
I don’t want it to matter

soon I’ll try on that
look of the confident
but available woman
the “I don’t need you, but
you’re gonna hope I want you,”
sort of look

and I’ll strut around
considering all of you
wondering specifically
how exactly will you hurt me?

what will you do that
will eventually break my heart?

one day, one day
maybe even soon,
I’ll be looking for men
through the veil of
“he’s already done this to me
there’s no way I’ll let you do it, too”

and of course, I’ll
think to myself
it’s the nicest
and most gentle ones
the ones with deep
blue eyes and soft skin
who touch you so sweetly,
the ones you don’t expect
will be the ones who
end up hurting you the most

so keep your
guard up high, girl
you know you’re not
safe out there anymore
and I was stupid
for thinking that I
was ever immune
to the crushing pain
of knowing it’s over
before it ever really
got a chance to begin

we want love
we want the
comfortable companionship
the soft body to hold us
the hands that reach, wanting

and we want it all
all of it
not a fraction –

one hundred percent

otherwise, you’re
just a threat
just another one
who comes and goes

you don’t even
realize how much
you’ve taken from me
and I don’t think
you ever will, but

this is fine,
just go

my heart has had
quite enough of all
the ways you can
hurt me, thanks
we don’t need to try
to find any more

Inspired by the Writer’s Write October prompts | Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels

“Your picket fence was sharp as knives…”

October 8, 2024 / Cheney / 0 Comments

we didn’t plan on
constant conversation
that never came
to an end

until now

and I don’t
know about you

but I planned
on loving you
for the rest
of our lives

too bad i
didn’t look
far enough ahead
to see that even if
we tore down
the fences

the walls
will remain
too long
for us
to have forever

this isn’t
what I expected
for us
and I must
apologize if you
feel I ever tried
to lead you astray

I swear I would
have loved you
until your last day