12/25/25

This hasn’t been the best year.

It’s had its ups and downs like all the other years, but this one passed quickly and in a blur of anxiety and discontent.

I’m one of those people who thinks “If things are too good to be true, they probably are,” but unfortunately I am not one to heed that warning and prepare myself for the worst.

Not long ago, Bobby told me for the second time that he will never remarry, his family will always come first, and I can do better.

Now, I agree with him.

We are living in a very awkward situation where neither of us can afford to get a place to live on our own so we are still living together, even sharing a bed still for now, except I don’t have the emotional and moral fortitude to be nice to him and keep pretending I want him around.

If I could afford to live here on my own, I’d ask him to leave immediately, and I am sure the same goes for him.

This whole situation fucking sucks, with the exception of: at least now I know for damn sure what I want and don’t want in a relationship, and what I can and can’t tolerate.

Lesson. Fucking. Learned.

2026: The Year of Apathy

I have reached the point in my life where I am so close to being out of fucks to give, I need to carefully preserve them and save them for important things.

So your problems, complaints, nags, and annoyances?

I don’t care about them anymore.

I’m going to worry about me, and take care of me, and everyone else is on their own.

I’m not going to check my texts and answer right back, I’m not going to talk to people, or go out and do things with them if I don’t want to.

I’m not going to watch the news or get into political discussions with anyone.

When my boss tells me what to do, even if it’s totally insane, I’m going to nod, say okay with a smile, and do it.

When my daughter doesn’t want to listen to me and starts mouthing off like a twelve year old, or if she tells me something that is incorrect, again, I’m going to smile and nod, and then quietly walk away.

There’s no need to argue anymore. So I’m not going to do it.

What I am going to do, is write my ass off.

I’ve already revived my old alias and have been publishing erotica on Amazon that none of you will ever read.

This month I’ve made six dollars so far! And I know that sounds like nothing, and is practically nothing, but it’s still 4 more dollars than I’ve ever made in a single month, because I have been publishing stories consistently, and advertising where I can.

I don’t expect this to be my primary income overnight, or even in the next year or so, but by God, one day, I will make a living writing again. I don’t want to make my living writing erotica though. I want to write sci-fi and dystopian epics, space operas, poetry… I want to do it all, so I am trying.

Doubling my income as fast as possible so I can support myself on my own is my primary goal for the upcoming year, and I can’t let anything get in my way.

What would get in my way?

Depression. Anxiety. The devil voices inside my head that tell me nothing I write is ever going to be good enough, and that I am not good enough for anything, or anyone.

I am fighting the big, bad, depression beast for years, and it only keeps growing.

I should be feeling better, not worse, so I have a lot of work to do on myself.

I can’t worry about other people’s problems right now. And I don’t want to.

I couldn’t then say what for nearly forty years I have known to be true. I don’t want anyone to look to me, not for protection, not for happiness, not for love, not for anything.  – PD James

_{Image of Keanu found on X.}

Inspired by: nownownow.com

Want to take a look at what happened Before Now?

9/28/24 – nine twenty-eight twenty-four

12/13/24 – twelve thirteen twenty-four

10/08/25 – ten eight twenty-five